​​​​​​​TL;DR: Active listening is what happens when two people stay with one person's experience, which happens less often than you'd think. Our brains naturally pull attention back to ourselves, wander, and fill in gaps with assumptions.​​​​​​​​

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The pull of our own perspective

In most conversations, attention shifts from one person to the other; this is normal because this is how our brains work. Our brains naturally process information around us. This is a survival mechanism that helps us make sense of the world and react quickly. As someone speaks, our brain asks questions like: 

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• How does this relate to me?

• Did I experience something similar? 

• Did I hear about something similar? 

• What is my opinion about this? 

• What do I feel about this? 

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As we share these thoughts with the other person, the attention shifts to us. In coaching conversations, the coach actively keeps the attention on the other person's experience, instead of engaging in these thoughts.

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The wandering mind

Our brain's default mode is to wander, scan, and search for what needs our attention. It wants to focus on unfinished “problems”; this is why we might start thinking about dinner, work, or something we need to do as we are in a conversation with someone. Maybe a word or something we notice in the surroundings triggers the drift.

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In a coaching conversation, we are aware of this natural wandering and bring the focus back if it happens. ​

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The prediction "machine"

Our brain is an energy-saving prediction "machine"; it constantly tries to fill in the gap based on what we already "know". It makes assumptions based on our own experiences, our "knowledge," and stereotypes. 

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Also, the longer we know someone, the better we think we can predict what they think. This is true to some extent, but there is a catch - our confidence in our predictions grows faster than our ability to actually predict accurately.

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When we want to listen deeper, we need to let go of predicting and guessing, and instead cultivate a beginner's mind; we have to be curious about the other person's experience, as if we had never heard about this before. 

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Beyond words

When we listen deeper, we listen beyond words. We pay attention to pace, tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and emotions. We may notice words or phrases that are repeated, or something unsaid.

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We might notice signs of underlying values, desires, hopes, needs, fears, or recurring patterns of thinking. Without making assumptions, we can be curious about them and ask questions. ​

 

Responding

Listening deeper often means slowing the conversation down. Give the other person more space to think. It means pausing before responding and responding with curious questions that help us understand.

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When we listen deeper, we hear more.​​​