Are we really listening?​

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Listening seems like such a basic skill, something we’re born with. But we are not biologically wired to really listen - our minds are designed to react, not to absorb. With awareness and practice, we can learn to listen more deeply to each other. In a coaching conversation, active listening is essential. 

 

Listening to understand

When we actively listen, we listen for meaning, not just words. This means we also pick up on pace, tonality, repeated words, something unsaid, body language, facial expressions, and emotions. What's really going on?

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What makes it hard 

It is hard because listening requires one thing, and our mind naturally does something else. Here are some of the ways our minds get in the way.

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We make it about us

Our mind constantly organizes our information around “us”, also when we are listening to someone. As the other person is talking, our minds go:

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• What is my opinion about it? 

• Did I experience something similar?

• What do I feel about it? 

• Did I hear about something similar?

• How does this relate to me? 

 

When this happens, there is a shift in focus from the other person to the self, and if we respond based on these thoughts, we shift the other person's focus as well. 

 

This self-focused mental processing makes sense most of the time, as it helps us navigate our lives, but it is unhelpful when trying to understand someone.

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Our attention drifts 

As we start thinking about ourselves, our focus is no longer on the other person, and it is likely that we are waiting to respond at this point. 

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It can also be that our attention randomly drifts; we think about dinner, a problem at work, or something we need to do. Maybe a word, something we notice in the surroundings, triggers a new train of thought.

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Our brain wants to keep us safe, and is alert to the envi

wanders to stay  it's alert to changes. It 

The brain is a survival machine - its main job is not to focus, but to keep you safe and alert to changes in the environment. Therefore, it wanders if we don't actively keep it in place.
 

We make assumptions

Our brain is a prediction machine. It constantly tries to anticipate what's coming next based on experience and “knowledge.”. When we listed we fill in gaps without us even thinking about it. 

This can be based on ourselves, of what we know about the other person, based on stereotypes…

The longer we know someone, the more we think we understand what they think - we get overconfident faster, then we actually understand someone better. ​

 

How to listen well

• Listen to understand, not to respond. Keep your focus on the other person, not on what you're about to say. From ther “me” lens, or maybe changing topic entirely.

• Assume nothing. Let go of what you think you already know. Stay curious about what's actually being said, not what you expect to hear.

• Respond with curiosity. Ask clarifying questions. Reflect back what you heard. This tells the other person they've been truly heard — and often helps them understand themselves better too.

• Stay focused 

• Awareness of “me” lens (listning ot self)

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Shared Attention 

 

What if we really listened? 

Could we get a glimpse of what it is like be someone else?

Being in a deep listening state is magical - for a moment, we are not the center of our experience, we get a little glimpse of someone else’s experience.

Listening at a deeper level

 

• Longings 

• Values 

• Self restrictions 

• Fear

• “Other voices” sociaritty / parents / significant people in our lives 

• Gut feeling 

• Belives

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Why listening matters

• Better relationships

• Feeling understood and understanding others

• Deeper conversations

• Less conflict

This is what makes it inspiring.

Connection / being seen and heard

 

Closing 

Interesting how there is so much focus on speaking - becoming better speaker - but not on becoming a better listener. 

 

// CTI - 3 level of listening 

// 7 habits of higlhy effective people 

// MIndwise